._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} Then they call me ugly and poor.". I take that as a compliment. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm. My sister would be so proud of you! she declared. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Crocker, you are just fine!. Hes now a seasoned veteran. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. During the pandemic, my two granddaughterssix and eight years oldwere being home-schooled by their mom. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} 12 / 102. Thats where we come in! Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! You cant make somebody love you. Well! responds the friend. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Not yet.. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? There they taught me how to be neutral. Liked what you just read? Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. Thats my twin sister. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. And what sort of case was that? My father sued me for the money.Submitted by Dee Hudson. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Here, boy, he replies. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? How to be witty and win anyone over]. He told me to stop going there. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Later, they order an other round. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. 72. Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! Hes in the village over the other direction.. You were looking for a piece of plastic. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Hes only got little legs. Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? I've seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo more organized than this. Tempting fate, I tried it on. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. Today isnt your day. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. A class act. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. 7. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. . Submitted by Hoss Alfred. Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? What did the left eye say to the right eye? "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? ' Tim Vine. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Sir! Yes, I said, but I really dont need it., Without missing a beat, she replied, We dont sell things that people need. Joe Caputo. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. What are you doing! says the husband. He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Finally, he hollers, Hey! Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Then she called, Here, kittySubmitted by Khalid Khan. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. Submitted by Greg Madden. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? So I gave him all the money I had. She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? I can only please one person a day. Good Comebacks 1. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! A: A steeping bag. Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. A nervous wreck. A man is struggling to find a parking space. 80. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! You have to touch them all over before they respond. Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? ' @brotigupta, Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. *Results not guaranteed. He bit himself. Gets jalapeo business! The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. The landlady answers. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. Your secrets are always safe with me. But that's not all. short for? Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? It can reflect how well you know your partner. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. The wife says that yes, he could. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Hold it in. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! 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