He will go and stay in hotels with her once a week, she pays. IF he is NOT and is just laying around while YOU work.for YEARS.then something is seriously wrong with his character and you should probably get away as fast as possible. I thought I was alone. Also, a couples work schedule sometimes plays a big role in determining household tasks based on their values. I am a senior learning and training manager who has spent most of my 15 years working in the college/university sector. The Ultimate Guide To Learning To Share Housework Equally - mindbodygreen Sometimes I am scared of what he will do if I throw him out. A Woman Has Been Charged for Allegedly Taking Abortion Pills. But now he left the College and he dont want to stud anymore. Luckily we have a rental house in another town, and I have told him, sorry, we need to sell the big house and move to the the smaller house because its so much cheaper and I cant keep it going. None of us can know what it is like to be the person in that situation, because each person and each situation is unique. He lays in bed all day watching Youtube or Netflix. Besides the financial strain joblessness puts on a family unit, a life partner who keeps on working faces their own issues in managing a distressed, depressed family breadwinner. It was a full time gig, but he would come home with blisters on his hands. All the stories hit me to the core. I think I dont just resent him, I actually kind of hate him for this. You are not alone. Much as I love my sister and her 3 children, i.e. I cant even find rent for less than my mortgage payment, so selling my house would be a stupid move. Get Extreme: Go On Strike. We have a 2 year old together and he does look after him abit but its still me that does everything, if I ask more than once Im nagging so I just end up doing it, he is supportive of my ptsd but sometimes I feel like im drowning doing everything and i have to push my self being the breadwinner. I have just told my mom this morning, that I can no longer held imprisoned by my sisters husband unemployment. This does not go for ALL men. I feel like people are judging us and wondering what is wrong with my hubby that he cant find a job. All Rights Reserved. I dont know what to do, but I do know that I dont have feelings for him anymore. Some of the comments above piss me off to no end. Well, I can relate. I love my children. Things will work out. My parents have offered to help out but were holding out hope that something good happens soon. I am going to finish my bachelor, but I am not doing well on the monetary part. Now all this Im saying there are reasons why I married him why I chose him he loves me and our son he fixes things and is a protector but I dont know if that is enough anymore. He recently left a sales job he was struggling with. He Needs to grow up I make good money but not enough to support us both and the two kids. So dont give me that oh, be patient, hes having a rough time, he was abused when he was a child, blah blah blah Well you know what I say, so what. I am not going to waste what life I have left on this planet to support some mooching con artist. And i have continued to work hard for the job to do something for my parents. It can cause depression. WOW that is so exaclty how i feel. My husband doesn't do any housework or chores. HELP! I always dream If I were younger (now I am 40+)and no children I can start my new life easily and dont need to be struck in such situation. She perceived this indolence as emasculating. She has been off work for some time now and i have been trying to keep things together and stay ahead on payments and so on. Unemployed Men Can Reduce Risk of Divorce By Doing Housework This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. find a marriage counselor. Most of his days are spent in the recliner watching TV crime shows. It seems like they wanted me not to work so they could call me lazy unmotivated a leech on society and all sorts of other things. It is now 1.5 years since he quit and his business has not even started. Throughout these 6 years i have been jobless for maybe a total of 4 months. I work in retail and yeah, the job sucks but I do what I have to do. Sick of it. Cleaning just enough to keep me from being angry but not quite enough to keep me from being stressed. Im crumbling : (. Hes incredible at times but sometimes he can drive you bananas.. Im so confused. Maybe its because all the property in the apartment is mine and he just doesnt care? I had the chance to change career and do something more worthwhile but a combination of the embedding of class system, and fear of exhaustion led me to negativity and believing I was unable to work. I have had to start on anti-anxiety medicine as I felt like I was about to wig out and keep distancing myself which I know isnt good for our marriage. When a womans fed up thats it. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. If I start to clean he jumps up and starts cleaning with me .. Often, it is wives who feel unappreciated and overwhelmed with housework, although husbands sometimes experience this as well. Thanks for listening. What else can you say to this kind of people ?? You deserve a good life. Now I am in my mid 60s and while I always have and still can cover the bills, it looks like retirement is out of the question for me. Its like shes given up on herself. It is soooo.difficult the bad days I self harm just to get some release. Wow, so many people are feeling the same as me. you are in a pizza restaurant and you can not expect get Sushi there. In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. As this is non-reversible. Weve cut our expenses to the bone (no cable, no eating out, no-contract phones) and we still come up short. But Ive invested so much of myself physically, emotionally, and financially, that I am scared sh**less to give it up. Thats fine, hed be going back afterwards, and he got vacation pay. All of historys military commanders, Kings, and Emporers never had in their wildest dreams the strdength it takes some of us to walk back into our homes after work knowing that we will be welcomed with complaints and sinks full of dishes. But I dont feel like there is an urgency with him.to.try and make things change. Wow. Its the most difficult thing ever. If you have similar start and end times and your workplace is close to theirs or even if you work in the same facility they could simply drop you off on the way and pick you up when they are done. These conversations sadden me so I just dont talk about it with them. But, I need him to work.. not for me, but for our son. It sounds like you are going through a rough time, and we want to make sure you have resources that can help. He spends a lot of time correcting me , how I do things .. But it is hard to admit you have been wrong about someone you had such loving feelings for. I dont know. Well, now we have two kids, rent a basement apartment, and most months live hand-to-mouth, because not only can he manage to work all year, he is crappy with his money too, and I make less but usually end up contributing more. I never feel like I have a day off when I do have a day off because this person is just always here so Im forced to be the one who leaves if I want to get away from them. When Your Husband Doesn't Help With Anything, Do This - A Conscious Rethink Thats because there is always someone in their lives picking up their messes, paying the bills. We have a small child (5m) and I care for him (were both home due to COVID and work schedules). Hes mad cuz we havent jumped the broom to marriage yet. Yes, that sounds cold, but are you happy dealing with this for now until infinity? My kids also dont want his dinner gradually and just want a bowl of cereal. Im in a similar position (except Im the woman bearing the financial burden) and I think its wrong regardless. Thank you for your comment, Anickh. All rights reserved. Internet Pornography and Sexualized Behaviors Can Damage Marriages, What to do if Your Spouse Doesnt do Chores, Strategies for Dividing Up the Household Chores. Everyone keeps telling me to leave him but I do feel sorry for him. his father doesnt want him living with him, his brother kicked him out and his mother lives in another state! Sometimes its too muchI cannot deal with this. We are in our thirties. I really resent myself. Wedding money- nearly gone. Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. 0. Thank you! I am no rocket scientist. I helped him when he doesnt have a job for several months before & now when is my turn he simply said i cant!!!! I really dont expect him to change anymore and it hurts and makes me so angry. I also recently recovered (along with my baby) from a opioid dependency due to the pain medications administered to me during the several months I was hospitalized while pregnant, which was a horrible experience for both baby and I. But the jobs that are offer to him are day jobs he will start back to school on aug 27 morning to 530 at night.. She also thinks that I did not do my best during training but I really did. I walked out. It's likely that you both done place equal importance on household chores. It was kind of a weird turn of events: His company noticed that, despite his willingness to work overtime, he had never taken a vacation. Try to recognize how he got to you and be more discerning next time. It has to do with being responsible and sharing the load. Do you want your sons and/or daughters to grow up this way? But the challenges I face with the kids is nothing compared to the difficulty I am having with my relationship with their father. Julia Fox, Paris Hilton, and More of the Bestest Party Pics This Week. So by the luck of faith, I gained a full time permenant position. My question to all the peoplesmens and womens that is job and money is the only thing? My boyfriend is 29, Im 23. Some of the best . What happended next was the combination of low self esteem, fear of pressure and more pain and the inability to express that I was not coping properly. We are both 30. She spent a lot of money to take a course and get certified in something she said she had a real passion for, and could start a business with, and I supported the decision. It is all under your control how y think. And yes, honey. We have no savings due to spending a lot of money repairing our apartment after a major leak in the roof. Esp now we are expecting that makes it 10 times more hard.. Its just not us to worry about its the baby too.. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. I work 6 days a week only making $10 an hour. He has contacts that ask him to help with functions that pay well but they are usually (almost always) out of town. I dont know what to do anymore. Or he wont. Since I quit this particular job, my girlfriend has been continually throwing it in my face how I quit with little to no notice and the fact that the extra money I was making was a nice bonus in spite of the fact how miserable I was and how I already do have a primary job. I am trying really hard but still i am not getting a job even in govt sector. Consider mowing the lawn yourself. Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. "We can't talk about the employment situation," he said. In the beginning he failed to tell me he lost his job to cover up spending time with another women (I had proof but he wouldnt admitt to it). ' My client felt both downtrodden and irate, at the same time. Now I work two part-time jobs. then i remember he has no job and no where to go, so what am i suppose to do with that? He owns his own home, but he will lose it if he doesnt find gainful employment soon. To the point whenever I was interested in purchasing something, I cancelled my plans by telling myself It is better to give the money to my sister. And all this is hidden from his family who cares for him deeply. Years ago, when we were both in our 20s, my live-in boyfriend went through a stint of unemployment. I never liked him, but this is different, she pays everything herself from rent to bills to groceries. I can give advice but its also hard for me to follow these rules know thyself Im a 33 year old professional woman with no kids. particularly the unemployment ratewhich tells you the percentage of the labor force that is unemployedreceive wide coverage in the media. My boyfriend and I have been together for going on 5 years now. With the latter two you may question why you are putting up with it and even tolerating the person when they are hardly working or not working at all more often. Tough :(. The drive there and back, paying for parkingits an endless list of complaints that Ive had to listen to over the years, but he lived with his parents until halfway into our relationship, rent-free, and had EVERY opportunity to go to school, start a new career, etc. Actress Zazie Beetz studied abroad in Paris when she was 20 and was back to see the knits at the Chlo show. Ive been understanding but Im tired and like others, I want to be taken care of for a change. I started getting vocal the last 3 years ,, just done and yup that makes me a bitch in his book ,, if I say anything about him not working , keeping work ,, somehow its all my fault for not helping him with resumes and job searches.. Im fed up and he tip toes around me. Youre sitting at home anyways. Hes coming back tomorrow. Even my own girlfriend blamed me without considering other reasons why I wasnt getting offers. Yes, this also means he has been unemployed for the entirety of our new marriage. unemployed husband won't do housework. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and hasnt made much money since then. I am on vacation this week and I plan on dragging him to companies to apply for jobs. I know this is an old post but I could not help but reply to your comment. Additionally, their father (my boyfriend) served prison time on a felony sentence. I pray that God will relieve us from the situation and guide us to see how we can love our husbands in this kind of difficult situation. And Im sure Im not the same either much sadder, angrier, and just completely exhausted now. I know that there has to be a way to get things back on track. In the winter when there was no work , he took to his room, the computer and would hide from the cold.. this has gone every winter for 16 years easy,. He has no money whilst waiting to hear from them and Im having to pay for all the bills with my money/savings. This will prevent a world of problems for you later. Yesterday i got home and she told me in tears that she didnt want to be here any more. If your partner is out pounding the pavement actively seeking work that they are qualified-more than qualified to do and not finding it the problem may not entirely be on them. See our favorite looks from outside the shows. I read your post, suicide? I have serious health issues and Im barely holding on. Meanwhile, my fianc who started at the right time, is still not finished has nothing to show for it, zero experience, unemployed oh and to make matters worse, he doesnt want to be a cop anymore. Yes, we are talking about it and we both know we want it, but there is no firm plan. And you are laser focused on one little man with an attitude problem. The last three shes totaled about 3 months of work. I just dont know what to do anymore. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. I make him feel bad with the slightest provocation an eye ball roll, a tone of voice change. We have had 0 sex kife for months because i am afraid of him. You have to go through the court system to have him legally evicted. He held a steady, low paying job for about 4 of those years. However as I reflect back to most of last year when I wasnt working and staying home with our toddler child, it really made me upset that he did not step up to the plate and gained some sort of employment. AT this point it seems really nice to think of only worrying about myself and letting him figure his own situation out. In all honesty, divorce probably won't help . Im not talking about men that are temporarily out of work, or in between jobs and are doing the household chores. It cant just all be on me. I said yes because I thought it would only be a few weeks, few months tops. I feel everyones pain- the depression, the sadness, the resentment, the anger- my husband has anger issues, he truly has a lack of self control when it comes to his emotions. I dont discuss it with family or friends because they all feel enough is enough and I should leave him. Its really appreciated. Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. Why is this my problem! To me, its almost like a math problem: I am now responsible for 100 percent of household payments, and still do about 60 percent of household labor. He is wonderful with the kids, homework is done before I get home, he still makes me laugh. Around 6000. But they just silly do it and use same CV for every job. He does no housework, thats my job he always reminds and the outside is his.. Not easy but hang in there. He had a job recently and quit cause he was getting no hours.. Well at least it was some money coming in.. But things does not change. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Maybe youre not getting a job because your reading comprehension is low. He has no skills expect tying steel wire. Ive wished, prayed, and helped my husband find work, but he simply doesnt want to. If you need to rely on other people to get to interviews, how could you make it to a daily job? My family consisted of 2 girls and 2 boys. I tried to switch jobs. I had viral and emotional problems and extreme overwork. And here I continue to stay . Im tired and stressed out. But like Ms Y my husband has run the gamut of being excited to look for a new job, depressed, moving and searching and back again. This is CRAP advice. Your spouse is confronting an extreme time; however, you are, as well. sex is still good but each day I grow more and more out of love. Professional help can assist you with learning new skills and strategies that can be helpful to your marriage. The recession has been so devastating for so many people. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. 13 yrs later Im in your boat! The love was only some movement which has passed. Btw, weve been married for over a decade. Gosh why does life get so complicated? We use data about you for a number of purposes explained in the links below. Now, dont get me wrong, I am all about improving skills. So he has started smoking weed to cope. He had a great job for 12 years and then the company moved. Been married for 18 years, 2 kids age 10 and 6 and its been almost a year since he got laid off. Maybe apply online to a few job postings once in awhile. He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. What a huge mistake. I would be working my butt off for the rest of my life to make up for his lack of ambition, drive. In fact, during one argument previous he said that as soon as he got a job we would break up. Do I need to be more understanding? 2. Hope both our wives get jobs soon. But now, without the little extra help, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Carolyn Hax readers give advice. Worst of all, as much as I try to hide how I feel, she cant help but know how dissapointed I am in her! The reality is, in life, you will be both victim and villain. Im completely at a lost anymore. Im still studying in college as well as holding down a partime job. Trying to figure out how to do that exactly. A few times I felt discriminated against being a middle aged white guy who is a couple of pounds overweight to boot. Im tired. So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. Its been over a year and he hasnt even bothered looking for a job. Its very easy for someone who deals with someone infrequently or not at all to suggest that they cease and desist working and stay home especially when they arent going to be hanging around the home of the person making this suggestion. Ive spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though Im being insensitive. He takes good care of our kids (really good care)and I have peace of mind when I leave the house in the mornings. We live in a two income age. because I have to work my a** off everyday and take bulls*** to make a living to support us both. Is it ok to expect my unemployed wife to manage all the - Quora Idk but I cant deal anymore. She said: "Robert asked me to be less condescending. So I struggled on. Ive been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. He traveled for year doing consulting work for 1 client. What frustrates me is that when I come home sometimes, he talks about how tired he is.when he hasnt done anything to be tired from! My heart goes out to you as I know how difficult it is to be the breadwinner and lives with a negative person who whines all the time and blames everyone and the society for everything but never himself. His work dismissed him despite a doctors note. Grab Now! Lived there 10 years all on my wages he did nothing except spend, spend, spend. I didnt want her to suffer any more, so I agreed that she should stop teaching for her own health and for the stregnth of out marriage. But in the meantime DO SOMETHING, DO ANYTHING, feed your family. While trying to help their significant other through what is a rough time, these women bear considerable mayhem themselves. I remember one night I came back from work, totally exhausted while dealing with the two active pre-schoolers. He'll pay the bills. When I tell him Im started to resent him for all this he starts this crying crazy panicky, Im a piece of shit, Im afraid youre going to leave me, Ill try harder. Spiel that Ive heard a thousand times. He was a wonderful man until he lost his job and Ive tried to be supportive but my patience is drying up. Im at my wits end. I hope when he is done with college.. Hell understand that not every one gets a job in the area of study. I have all the workload and absolutely no down time, when I am not dealing with difficult situations at work, I get to come home and deal with his unreasonableness. He has always worked all the overtime n hours he possibly can to give myself n our kids everything we want & need. Hi Luzy, how is your situation going? Im in the same situation, my fiance has been working part time jobs since we met 6 years ago and has never really liked working for anyone else. I have nothing in savings and bills coming up in 4 months that I have to pay but it doesnt seem she is interested in getting a study job. I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I am looking for a therapist or something, thank goodness for benefits. Too bad. So, I drive him, he stays in a hotel, and gets the cheque later. 1. When we got married, I never invisioned having to carry us by myself for this long. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. People never want to seem to help you get to or from an interview, but at the same time seem to take great pleasure in kicking you while you are down. Tried several times! Im afraid that if I leave him he will become suicidal, as he is prone to severe depression, but Im worried that staying with him is changing the course of my life for the worse. I wouldnt care if after 90 days he left and found another job, but the fact that he always acted like it was beneath him and was always pissed just to be there performing the duties of the job. Take it in stride. Once we realized we were heading toward losing benefits, with no secure notion of a job on the horizon, we were forced to move from the high rent apartments we had been living in to a different state where the rent was only about 60% of what we were paying. I was being looked after royally we built a stunning home and had holidays and I had a ,lovely husband. He has friends he has other girl friends let him go home to mom or? I am loathe to think that he is taking advantage of me, but it has been weighing on my mind. Dear girl, Done. If your husband is trying to do something- small jobs, helping with the kids, going to school, then be patient. It's ridiculous! I work at home as a medical transcription. I love him with all my heart and I cant imagine life without him, but I dont know what my future with him will be. We are to the point where we need so many things and are falling behind on everything. When I first had him move in with me, he had from what he said, always been working a full time job at Honda. I do love him but I feel my love fading. However, it can be quite the opposite as far as getting to interviews is concerned. He then decided he wanted to move to the States(he has a green card) so we saved, sold of all our stuff and moved to the states as a family. Its 9 months later. I was given notice on my job six months ago that I was being laid off. I finally found a job in another state, discussed it with him and he agreed to me going. I just want to see a smile that i havent seen in more than a year. Im thinking about shooting them out. I lost my full time job but found a part time job that barely pays the bills. As youve read, these people dont/wont change, but you can change how you feel and what you do to get back your freedom. I never thought hed be like this but its been this way almost half of our marriage. But we are in a situation that requires all hands on deck with the job search. The same thing happened at my previous job. My husband has worked full time for 2 years of the time we have been together. One such example was Amelia who explicitly told her husband: "I can't get emotionally involved in anything any more. Its very scary to make these decisions.. Its sometimes easier to just accept itand I suspect many of these lazy men are very unhappy with the women in their lives so they just stop caring about how all this affects their wives. Usually, you just need someone who is there to listen. Its very difficult to be the supporting partner when there is not support coming back. Luckily, he got called for a city job that he took an exam for in 2014. After my son left, I wanted to be free of caring for another and yet here I am. I ask a couple of questions and he says the same thing promoting our movie. Bc he feels he cant plan until he has an income which I completely agree. The other half of the problem is his depression. A therapeutic separation is a formal separation with clear, specific guidelines and boundaries. I am not sure what to do, except that if he yells that much about me being the problem with his not finding a job, fine. Amen. I am so depressed now i just cry after we fight for hours. This has also been good because financially I have been able to make sure we wont lose our house. Have respect for yourself and get out before its really to late. Make it very clear that you can't, and won't, be the sole breadwinner. Can we talk about divvying up some of the stuff on my plate?.